I have always
been a light sleeper since that one night in Bangkok. We don’t talk about that.
I had been awake for a good ten minutes trying to keep my eyes closed, my body
relaxed, and my breathing slow and steady. My guess was that the person entering
the room woke me. I believe my pretending to be asleep wasn’t all that
effective.
The gun cocking
made me jerk a bit. I tried to pass it off as a stirring in my sleep but I don’t
think they bought it. I spent some time wondering who would want to kill me
enough to sneak into my room in the middle of the night. It was a futile exercise.
Eighty percent of the people I knew and probably half my fans would be happy to
do the deed.
My eyes slid
open a crack, dimming the smell of cheap sex and cheaper booze still clinging
to the room from the romp the night before. The door was open so I could see
two of my band mates watching from the hall. I idly wondered if they had moved
since watching the circus sideshow that was my love life a few hours prior.
They were trying
to tell me to not give them away. I guess they had a plan. That did not bode
well for me. My band mates were, not to put too fine a point on it, idiots.
Her voice
dripped like honey into my ear and now the shudder was unmistakable. She
already knew I was awake but I couldn’t even pretend anymore. Female voice,
well that narrowed down the suspect pool. Unfortunately it didn’t help because
if you only considered the women I knew… one hundred percent of them had reason
to want to kill me.
Wait… her? My
hands reached out. Maybe it was one of the girls from the night before. Nope,
they were both still unconscious where they should have been. My hands got
distracted for a second, taking the rest of me with them. Finally my mind
refocused, reminding me I was in dire straits and replaying what the woman had
said.
“Don’t look at
me or the game ends here. Give me a good enough one liner and you might get out
of this alive.”
I was well known
for my wit but I tried to stall. The morons in the hall would feel better if
they finally did something useful. The swish of cloth filled my ears like
impending doom just before tepid steel pressed to my temple. The hole the
bullet would exit felt as big as the Grand Canyon. I knew I was out of time so
I opened my lips and let words fall out automatically.
“Careful love,
in this room I’m the one that makes a mess because my gun went off prematurely.”
She laughed.
I lived.
Everyone still
wants me dead.
Nobody said leading
and internationally renowned comedy polka band would be easy.
#shortstory #writing #light #comedy
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