Mixed Signals

Stanley is a little bit psychic.

Most of the time that’s annoying. On rare occasions I wish it was full on. Once in a while it comes in handy. Like when he sets you up on a blind date. But you can’t count on it.

“Dude! You’ve been down in the dumps since that last ho-bag dumped you.”

“Stan, first, we dated for months so a little respect. Second, it’s not very nice to say things like that about your sister.”

“She broke your heart and my mom’s not around… bitch. Point is I’ve got a winner for you on Valentines.”

“I admit you’ve had some wins but my worst dates have been your idea too.”

“Like?”

“Lisa…”

“Dude! What was wrong with her?”

“She was a werewolf, you set us up on the full moon.”

“Granted…” Stan doesn’t normally look sheepish. “This one though.”

I made him run down her traits for me, and translated along.

Well rounded – Fat

Nice personality – Butter-face

Passionate – Psycho

Comfortable with herself – Twenty cats

Great cook – Really fat

Demure – Religious whack job

Loves her family – Daddy issues

He sweetened the pot, he thought she was a hero. Capes and tights? No, classic Greco-Roman hero. I agreed, reluctantly.

Stan was to call me at nine thirty, if all was well I would give him the code phrase. If not I would claim an emergency.

You can imagine how surprised I was when I showed up and the girl was gorgeous. I mean like Bridgette Bardot had lesbian sex with your favorite questionable actress and somehow had a baby who was voiced by Mae West beautiful. She smelled like roses, not like the crappy floral perfume your grandma wore too much of but like she rolled in petals until they bruised then came to meet me. Best of all? We hit it off instantly.

I almost didn’t answer the call when it came. Then, I picked it up and gave the code phrase, that’s taken care of. Stan’s response child me to the bone.

“No, dude, there’s a real emergency. She’s about to go crazy bitch on you. I don’t know what’s going to set her off, but you’re in danger.”

I looked at this lovely flower just in time to see her pulling a bow from her purse. She knocked a heart tipped arrows and I knew who’s daughter she was. Just a moment before she had been laughing and pleasant, now she glared at me with the wrath of… well… a god. Her voice was locked in a glacier.

“Let me guess, you have to go? I really liked you too. Why do men have to have the escape route and not just say, ‘this isn’t working’?”

“No…”

Too late. She launched the love arrow at me. My last free thought was more terrifying than it should have been. I wondered what that arrow would do to someone already in love with the woman he was looking at.

Then all I had was hers.

#shortstory #love #magic #mythology #author #writer