Oh Captain My
Captain
You were in my
life but I was not in yours. Not beyond that basic connection we all share
anyway. Why has it taken me so long to speak to you, to speak of you? Because
you were one of my heroes. You were one of the giants treading the world with
an I don’t give a shit attitude and a devil may care smile. Then you did the
thing I have never been able to forgive. You made yourself into a coward when
you had it all.
No matter how
unfair it is that stigma will taint my memory of you. My father taught me that
suicide is the coward’s way out. Every religion tells me it is the one
unforgivable sin. I know I overstate but most of them say it at least
conditionally. That was who you became to me. You were a giant and became your
own unruly David. How could you do that to yourself? You had so much to live
for. How could you do that to us? You brought us so much joy and now we had to
mourn you. How the hell could you do that to me? I needed men like you in the
world.
A quirky
entertainer. An actor who openly gamed? I don’t mean played video games, now
every actor does that but you were the first big name to admit he table topped!
You gave me hope for the world, for humanity, for everyone who was different.
Then you took it away in a moment of shameful weakness. I will never forgive
you. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe I don’t need to.
I don’t
understand your battles. I know, and looking back I see how much pain there was
inside. A desperate man battling the same fights we all must endure. How much
harder was it for you with such a sensitive soul? How heavy did it weigh on you
that we all looked to you for a laugh, to help us escape our every day pains
when all you wanted to do was heal yourself? You tried, but still you were our
golden calf, our doorway to a different place. I know you tried and I wonder if
maybe we had just let you if things could have been different.
You gave us so
much and we could not even give you privacy. You overcame your addictions, more
than once, and yet you tried to stay healthy. How hard was it for you when you
were warring with the feelings that finally overtook you and we splashed it on
the internet and ate it up. In the middle of your struggle you had to pause and
reassure us that you had not started using again. Time you could have been
using to heal and we just weighed you down.
I cannot
forgive the act but I can focus on your legacy. Nobody can replace you but I
can live my life to bring entertainment to others as you did. I hope that is a
fitting tribute. I hope that can help make those religions wrong and let you
rest in peace. I hope you can forgive yourself.
I hope because
it is all I have and there is less of it in the world without you. Thank you
for everything you gave us.
Sincerely,
One Fan
#author #writer #socialcommentary #religion #shortstory
No comments:
Post a Comment