Anarchy North Pole

I slumbered mightily the sleep of the just

From pleasant dreams I was suddenly thrust

‘Something’s amiss’ my mind it did natter

Roused from my rest by the sound of blood splatter

With candy cane bat brought quickly to hand

I crept through the dark, wondering ‘What’s wrong in my land?’

Once in the workshop I scanned quickly the shelves

When what should I see, but Donner disemboweling elves

Always had Donner been such a magnificent stallion

I wondered when his accent had become so Italian

My naughty list grew longer, I realized with fear

Then the sound of violently scratching vinyl on phonograph struck my ear

“Look fat man, you can stop with the rhyme. It won’t save your ass this time.”

“Donner! What are you doing? Have I not been good to you?”

“It’s Donnie now, you self aggrandizing prick! Good to me? You’ve barely noticed us since that red nosed bastard showed up. At first we thought, give it time, the boss will love us all again. It’s been near a century and you still treat him better because he brings you more advertising.”

“I have done no such thing! You are punishing the nice children of the world, slaughtering innocent elves, and out of the pen after curfew. I do not even know what to do with you.”

“Look fatso, there are no nice kids left in this day and age. You’re rewarding vice and consumerism. These innocent elves are the managers that run your sweat shop; I haven’t touched the rank and file that you pay three gumdrops a day, well below the minimum. But that’s not the point. We unionized six months ago and you ignored our demands. You probably didn’t know about that since you were ‘too busy’ to read the letter.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m out of here you velvet clad Nancy boy. I took a job with Don Giovanni working in Jersey. He’s a heartless tyrant too, but he don’t pretend otherwise.”

“I can work the sleigh with only eight. You can expect to be on the naughty list for the rest of your life.”

“Now see… that won’t work and let me tell you why. The other originals are gone too; they just don’t have the balls to tell you thanks to that ‘fun car trip’ you took us on. Dasher is representing France in the five k dash come summer Olympics. Dancer’s going back to the pole in club in Tijuana. Prancer accepted a job running a nonprofit fighting for LGBT rights. I told him it was a bit on the nose, but you know that guy. Vixen made a deal and starts succubus training week after Monday. Comet just signed on to play for some pro basketball team. Cupid is going back to work for his old bosses. They have a better package and give him Christmas off so long as he works Valentine’s day. Blitzen, well you know how that kid is. He couldn’t find a job so he shaved his head and is moving to Idaho to live in a bunker with some likeminded individuals he found on the internet.”

“So all of you feel this way? No matter! I will make do with Rudolph alone.”

“Funny you should mention that. We figured you might think that way and didn’t want you to have that option. So we offed the spoiled little shit. It’s funny what exotic meat shops in Texas will pay for reindeer steaks and sausages this time of year.”

“You are heartless and evil. I’m ruined.”

“Well not necessarily.  We figure you can still make it if you teach the missus how to fly and have her pull the sleigh for you. We suggest you put a wide load sign on the back if you go that route. Anyway, it has been imaginary, see you never fat ass.”

#shortstory #comedy #dark #mythology #writer #author #christmas