I slumbered
mightily the sleep of the just
From pleasant
dreams I was suddenly thrust
‘Something’s
amiss’ my mind it did natter
Roused from my
rest by the sound of blood splatter
With candy cane
bat brought quickly to hand
I crept through
the dark, wondering ‘What’s wrong in my land?’
Once in the workshop
I scanned quickly the shelves
When what should
I see, but Donner disemboweling elves
Always had
Donner been such a magnificent stallion
I wondered when
his accent had become so Italian
My naughty list
grew longer, I realized with fear
Then the sound
of violently scratching vinyl on phonograph struck my ear
“Look fat man,
you can stop with the rhyme. It won’t save your ass this time.”
“Donner! What
are you doing? Have I not been good to you?”
“It’s Donnie
now, you self aggrandizing prick! Good to me? You’ve barely noticed us since
that red nosed bastard showed up. At first we thought, give it time, the boss
will love us all again. It’s been near a century and you still treat him better
because he brings you more advertising.”
“I have done no
such thing! You are punishing the nice children of the world, slaughtering innocent
elves, and out of the pen after curfew. I do not even know what to do with you.”
“Look fatso,
there are no nice kids left in this day and age. You’re rewarding vice and
consumerism. These innocent elves are the managers that run your sweat shop; I
haven’t touched the rank and file that you pay three gumdrops a day, well below
the minimum. But that’s not the point. We unionized six months ago and you
ignored our demands. You probably didn’t know about that since you were ‘too
busy’ to read the letter.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m
out of here you velvet clad Nancy boy. I took a job with Don Giovanni working
in Jersey. He’s a heartless tyrant too, but he don’t pretend otherwise.”
“I can work the
sleigh with only eight. You can expect to be on the naughty list for the rest
of your life.”
“Now see… that
won’t work and let me tell you why. The other originals are gone too; they just
don’t have the balls to tell you thanks to that ‘fun car trip’ you took us on.
Dasher is representing France in the five k dash come summer Olympics. Dancer’s
going back to the pole in club in Tijuana. Prancer accepted a job running a
nonprofit fighting for LGBT rights. I told him it was a bit on the nose, but
you know that guy. Vixen made a deal and starts succubus training week after Monday.
Comet just signed on to play for some pro basketball team. Cupid is going back
to work for his old bosses. They have a better package and give him Christmas
off so long as he works Valentine’s day. Blitzen, well you know how that kid
is. He couldn’t find a job so he shaved his head and is moving to Idaho to live
in a bunker with some likeminded individuals he found on the internet.”
“So all of you
feel this way? No matter! I will make do with Rudolph alone.”
“Funny you
should mention that. We figured you might think that way and didn’t want you to
have that option. So we offed the spoiled little shit. It’s funny what exotic
meat shops in Texas will pay for reindeer steaks and sausages this time of
year.”
“You are
heartless and evil. I’m ruined.”
“Well not necessarily.
We figure you can still make it if you
teach the missus how to fly and have her pull the sleigh for you. We suggest
you put a wide load sign on the back if you go that route. Anyway, it has been
imaginary, see you never fat ass.”
#shortstory #comedy #dark #mythology #writer #author #christmas
